The 4 Phases of Separation: From Shock to New Beginnings
It's not easy to overcome the end of a relationship. No matter how long a relationship has lasted, when a shared history comes to an end, the pain of separation doesn't simply disappear overnight. Initially, you must cope with the shock of the breakup, which may seem completely insurmountable at first. However, this is just the first step toward a fresh start. Discover in this article the four different phases of separation and things you can do in each phase to start feeling better soon.
Why are separations so difficult to process?
Whether it's a divorce or a breakup: Every end of a relationship causes pain and a loss of direction. After the death of a loved one, separations are one of the most emotionally challenging events that a person has to deal with in life. The breakup is a shock that can be equated with physical pain.
Separation Pain Is Comparable to Physical Pain
According to a study by the University of California on separations, the pain of separation can even be equated with physical pain. A breakup can lead to depression and physical problems. The Californian researchers found that the brain regions activated during a breakup are the same as those reacting to physical injury.
A research team at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine also discovered the so-called "Broken Heart Syndrome": They found that heartache and separation pain can be direct causes of heartache and breathing problems.
Increased Stress and Loss of Motivation
A breakup leads to a panic reaction and thus to an increase in stress levels. This, in turn, can weaken the immune system and lead to an easier outbreak of diseases. Furthermore, the hormonal balance can change due to increased stress, affecting overall well-being. This is because the serotonin level, our "happiness hormone" balance, decreases significantly. At the same time, stress-related hormones like adrenaline rise, leading to aggression and irritability.
The neuroscientists who conducted the study also found that the affected individuals showed lower activity in the brain regions responsible for emotions, motivation, and concentration several weeks after the breakup. This may explain a general decrease in motivation and a persistent feeling of depression.
What are the four stages of separation?
All individuals go through more or less the same phases during a breakup. The duration and intensity of these phases may vary from person to person.
First Phase of Separation: Shock
No matter how well prepared you are for an event, when it becomes a reality, it can still be overwhelming. Many couples are aware of their problems, recognize that things are not going well, and that there are constant arguments. Perhaps one of the partners even occasionally thinks about a breakup or the couple has already briefly separated. However, when the breakup is finally decided, it can still be difficult for both partners to grasp.
The shock is so great because a breakup from a partner also means giving up shared rituals, the potential loss of mutual friends, and the end of shared dreams and plans. Therefore, it's only natural to refuse to accept this new reality as a first reaction and be overwhelmed by hope, simply trying to get back together as quickly as possible.
What Can I Do to Overcome the Shock?
The hope of getting back together, whether justified or not, is a simple tool that you need to overcome the initial shock of the breakup. It's entirely natural to have these feelings and thoughts, even if the people around you try to dissuade you. This hope can actually actively help you endure and eventually overcome the pain of the initial phase of separation.
In the initial shock phase of a breakup, it's important to open up to your surroundings and find comfort with family and friends. Regardless of whether you are able to talk about your feelings or not, it's important that you are surrounded by people who listen to you and take care of you so that you have time to recover.
Second Phase of Separation: Anger and Sadness
After a more or less extended period, the first phase of shock comes to an end, giving way to a second phase in which the individuals accept the reality of the separation. It's no longer about denying one's own situation or clinging to the hope of reconciliation. The romantic relationship is now over, and the time of mourning begins.
The hope for a shared life has been shattered, leading naturally to feelings of anger and sadness. For many people, separations evoke childhood fears of abandonment, which in turn causes great sadness. In this phase, old wounds that occurred during the relationship can also resurface, leading to anger. This anger can be directed towards oneself ("How could I have accepted this all these years?") as well as towards the ex-partner ("How could he/she do this to me?"). In this second phase of separation, anger and sadness are usually inseparably linked.
What Can I Do to Overcome Anger and Sadness?
First, it's important to acknowledge the progress you've made because you've now reached a stage where you accept the breakup as reality and no longer try to suppress it with hope for a reunion. You've already taken a big step toward a fresh start.
Continue to seek support from your surroundings and allow your anger and sadness to express themselves in a healthy way. Cry and scream if you need to. Release your energy through exercise. Another good way to express feelings is to put them down on paper. When you're sad, write down how you feel and what you're thinking so that you can let go of the negative emotions.
Third Phase of Separation: Reflection and Reorientation
Over time, anger and sadness may still be present, but they come and go at increasingly longer intervals. This is a sign that you're now on the path to improvement and in the third stage of separation.
Now that you've calmed down, it's time to ask yourself why the relationship failed, what you can learn from it, and what you want for yourself now. It's a time of self-reflection and reorientation that will help you grow from past mistakes. At the same time, you're gradually starting to feel joy again and enjoy life.
What Can I Do in the Reorientation Phase?
As you begin to regain control over your emotions and leave the most difficult moments of the separation behind, it's important that you proactively work on your healing. Meet new people, start new hobbies. Renew your wardrobe or get a new hairstyle to officially start your new lifestyle!
Fourth Stage of Separation: New Beginning
However long it may take, it's still certain that you will eventually reach the fourth and final stage of separation, the new beginning. You've now left your relationship behind and are ready for a fresh start.
The pain of separation is over, and you can now start a new life. You know better than before who you are and what you want from life and relationships. Use the experiences of the past to make this fresh start a success.
FAQ: Separation
Several studies have shown that the pain of separation can be equated with physical pain, as the same brain regions are activated in both cases. Furthermore, a breakup leads to changes in hormone levels and an increase in stress levels, which can in turn lead to heart and respiratory problems.
According to researchers at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, a sudden end to a relationship can lead to an increase in stress and certain hormones that interfere with the heart's normal function. This can lead to heart problems. This is called the Broken Heart Syndrome.
The first phase of a breakup is shock, and it is difficult to accept the breakup. The second phase is one of anger and sadness, gradually leading to the third phase of self-reflection and reorientation. Once this phase is completed, the fourth phase, the fresh start, follows.
No one is ever truly prepared for a breakup, whether there are problems and conflicts in the partnership or not. The shock of a breakup is due to the fact that the breakup leads to the loss of reference points, daily rituals, mutual friends, and the couple's dreams. Shock is considered the first phase in the breakup process.
Regardless of whether you are in the very first phase of the breakup or whether you have already accepted the breakup and are in the phase of mourning and anger, it is important that you confide in your loved ones. Seek comfort and support from friends and family. Do not isolate yourself and let yourself be pampered by people who love you.
The second phase of a breakup is a mixture of anger and sadness. It is healthy to let your anger out, if necessary through crying and shouting. You can also write down your thoughts to free yourself from negative feelings. And last but not least, exercise is an excellent way to deal with anger.
Processing is the third phase of the breakup. During this time, it is normal for you to still feel sadness and anger. But these feelings now come in waves, less and less frequently, and you are ready to address the causes of the breakup.